I am very conflicted right now. I really just want to smoke a bowl but I shouldn't before work. My parents left a few hours ago. As soon as they stepped out the door I started bawling. I had been holding it in all week. I knew things were bad but when I was surrounded by it and saw it personally it was too hard. I think my mom is having an affair. I wouldn't let her say anything for sure because if she told me she was I would probably not speak to her for years...that is if she let herself stay alive that long. My dad's face only holds hurt and pain. I am closer to him and it seems that my mom is causing all of the pain and problems in the relationship so I naturally "side" with him. I hate saying that I am siding with one parent but it is clear that my mother is very messed up and needs a lot of help. I also think she is an alcoholic mixing it with all kinds of prescription drugs. I wish that they would divorce and I could live in the same town as both of them. I wouldn't normally say that about my mom but she obviously needs someone to help her and not go to a bar to do so. I am trying very hard not to hate her because I know that will not help her...but it is so hard not to sometimes. I love both of my parents.

We are going to get another blizzard. Tom says he will come tomorrow morning even though I work a lot until Monday. But if he doesn't come before it hits I won't see him for another week. At least he does miss me and want to see me. He also sent a really nice e-mail to me the other day. I wish we didn't go so up and down with our communication. However, I think communication that isn't face to face with him is too hard. Thanks to Joe I am a pro with the AIM and I think Zach started my phone chops. I remember talking to Zachy on the phone for like what was it...6 hours...or more?

I got more fish. A black and orange oranda named Oprah and another pearscale named Bridget (from The Girls Next Door). I love that show...I don't care whatcha all say, and Hef seems like a nice guy. I think I might have overloaded my tank so I will just make sure to do regular water changes and not switch out my filter all brand new ever again.

My dad and I went to The Good Shepard, it was ok. I mean, I know it was good but I found myself mentally wander. We also shopped for my mattress together and he helped me with Tori's animals. My mom and I had some alone time shopping. I got a lot of wonderful things. I feel guilty about all they do for me. But I know I am finally making them proud and being a good daughter and all that.

Rachel Ray's talk show is really bad.

Well, Tom is gone and I am alone with a lot of sugar cookies and itchy animals. Alley has been making sugar cookies for the last 3 days for people and it doesn't look like it will be stopping soon and the kitchen is a mess, I don't care...I am more mellow now. Eli has scabs all over and I think they are mites under the skin but I found some medicine, but all my other animals have such dry skin. Damn Colorado with no humidity.

I spent hours cleaning my closet last night and listening to music. That is always what I used to do when I was alone. I like it I guess, but I would rather have Tom. He will be here in a week and so will my parents. I really really wish it wasn't happening. There is far too much emotion for me to try to ignore it and I just know that I am going to slip and ask my mom why she is doing what she is doing. Ugh. I can pretend to have good family times...that is what most of us do right?

Did I mention before that Pearl died? I cried for a bit. I really loved that fish.

I also had been driving around a 2007 Cadillac sedan while my car was getting fixed. It was so nice, cars do differ in performance and shit. Although, it was a gas guzzler and that is not good. I have my little blue sports car back and it is not broken..yay.

I keep watching the food network even though they are cutting up meat and it is grossing me out. I have been a vegetarian for 4 and half years. That doesn't seem very long but to me, I can't remember what meat tastes like and it seems so foreign to me. I like it that way though, cause each year I go the most grossed out I get..especially by fish.

Lj, do you think I should get rid of my other 2 goldfish and set up a cool community tropical freshwater tank? Or, should I find another goldfish I fall in love with?

I am hungry and I have nothing important to say except I miss my friends (that are my family) and I wish I could be spending the holidays with you and your pregnant bellies.

Goodbye 2006, I feel like I never knew ye. It really does go so fast and I realize I only had a handful of entries this year. Tom just woke up...ooo Denver real world. Whatever, here is that thing people (joe and pry zach) do at the end of the year!!! Maybe I will watch clercks 2 again!



January- Poor Dick.
February- I hate kids.
March- I am sitting in a CSU dorm study room thing.
April- Sooo, I haven't updated in years, so it seems.
May- ...since I updated.
June- NO UPDATES
July- NO UPDATES
August- Hey, I am alive...
September- NO UPDATES
October- I have internet again!!!
November- That makes sense, who is going to be updating when there are others around!?

I am a little ball of emotion right now. I turned in my big final paper and it felt so good. Good like pushing a baby out of my loins or something. I also go to return the big heaping pile of books I used for sources. I was a few days late on them and only earned a few dollars worth of late fees but the library sent me this letter with a warning that any prospector books (books that were ordered from different libraries around the state)not returned would be a fine of 100 dollars per book. Gee, I would have owed the fort collins/frcc library a 1000 dollars. Then on my way home from school I listened to this African/jazz version of little drummer boy and I cried. I have no idea why but I did. Maybe it was the lyrics about jesus and memories past, maybe it was the bongos...

I haven't done laundry for over a month. I was officially down to thongs and this one pair of pink panties that were made of spandex. My petco uniform polo smelled like a dead ferret and my jeans had the crotch smell....sooo I go to do laundry. I open my trunk to get out my liquid laundry detergent and thought it felt funny and duh...it had frozen in our sub 0 weather. I was so pissed. The traffic just down the street to King Soopers was horrendous and since it was laundry night, I was dressed like a bum. The sweatpants I was wearing were filled with little holes the pigs got to, I had a ratty hippie sweater on plus my beached uni hoodie and my pea coat that was now too small over all of the layers. I had to layer up cause my apartment is freeezing cause we havent' turned the freaking heat on yet. Well, I did in my room cause I was afraid I was going to have rat and guinea pig icicle. The electric heat smells like an old burning smell...i can't describe it but you'd no it. It is sort of gross...and isn't that warm.

My dad sent me a card and that made me cry. Oprah is always insightful. UGH. I miss tom too. He is busy with a ton of work and I won't see him until tomorrow and that will make 3 full days of no physical contact. Laugh at me if you will...but I love him and want to see him a lot.

I have some serious dental needs I found out yesterday. Sooo I have these really bad ridges in my teeth, I have always had them so when i was younger they put this clear sealant in them to prevent decay. Well, 6 of them need repatched and 3 of them have decay on them and it is going to cost almost 600 dollars. And my wisdom teeth need out. fuck teeth.

I kicked my cat in my sleep the other night and felt bad. He is really cute and shit.

This is a rant for me so don't feel like you have to read it for it is long and dramatic....




I have finally come to terms that holidays will never be the same ever again. From the first holiday season I can remember until my Grandmother died, everything was constant. Thanksgiving was usually never at my house and extended family was included...Oh the days of family. Christmas Eve was held at my grandmother's house every year without fail. I miss the feelings of excitement for the day and the following day of Christmas. All of the familiarity that is not a part of my life anymore. Even though I know now that Christmas Eve with ALL of the family was a time of shallowness and people pretending to like each other even though they had years of hate and bitterness built up, I was a kid, it was wonderful and I wasn't aware of the family problems. The gifts were plentiful but sub par to what I would be getting the next day. Aunts and Uncles that you see once a year really don't know who you are and thus get the generic "girls" gift found on the Knoxville Pamida shelf.

Christmas morning...I was not allowed to get my parents up before 8 am and usually sat in the living room staring at my gifts in anticipation. My mom would get up and let my start on my stocking while my dad had to de-grumpify. I would always arrange my gifts unopened under the tree so I could show them to my grandma as soon as she arrived. We made the same food, listened to the same CDs, and put up the same ornaments every year.

And then, I opened gifts from my grandma even though she had died a few weeks before. I hated that Christmas morning when she never came to our house. Nothing was the same after that. I rarely spoke to the extended family members and now all communication has ended. We stopped making the same food, my mom decorated less and less, and that stupid Amy Grant CD doesn't give me the happy goosebump feelings it used to. 2 years ago I spent Thanksgiving alone in Colorado. And 2 years ago was the last time I was home for Christmas.

Yesterday Tom and I had "our" Thanksgiving even though it was really only mine. I made all the food I associate with tradition. We put up the tree, listened to Christmas CDs, and watched Home Alone. It didn't matter. The feeling wasn't there. I don't know if things will change once I have a family of my own and tradition will come back. I spent time with Jason a few days ago and he says he hates tradition. Tom says he hates his family. I want tradition and I want a family to enjoy it with. Maybe all of the feelings of excitement are something that pass with age. My excitement now is weighed down with responsibilties I never had before.

I don't know. I don't think I want to be a kid again, but during this time of year I do remember it fondly and want pieces of it back. Maybe I just want my grandma back. I talk about her so much and I feel like it annoys Tom. I start crying when I see certain Christmas things. It has been 4 years and I still cry just as easily if not easier than the week she died.

Now I am making myself all sad and I have only got a few pages done on my paper and many more to go.

Happy Thanksgiving.

So when I was making my soup the other night an egg mysteriously ended up on the stove. And I was sort of freaking out because I was alone and it was dark and my Norah Jones CD kept skipping but it was forming words like..."jew" and repeating over and over. There was another freaky word but I don't remember. So in my crazy mind, an angry Jew had broke into my house, placed an egg on my stove, rigged the cd to skip on certain parts as clues, and then kill me with the knife I was using to dice zucchini. I really don't remember putting an egg on the stove. And last night Boscoe kept meowing at the window in the kitchen. Now, this window freaks me out because you can see my front door and the stairs to others' apartments. I always jump when I see someone run by and I am cleaning a dish or something. So last night, I was convinced someone was looking through the window and Boscoe was trying to alert me. I guess I watch too many horror movies.

I am slightly freaking out about the genetics portion of my next bio test come Wednesday. The problems remind me of math and I do my whole math thing, clamp up, cry, etc. I really want to keep doing well but my insane mental block does not permit this. I have to take career math sometime and I have already shed a tear for that. I am going to work really hard tonight and Tuesday night on these di-hybrid, non-mendelian, blah blah genetics problems. Thanks Front Range for not performing to a community college level but much higher and more difficult than Tom's bio class at CSU...have I mentioned we use the same book and my class is like 285732385 times harder. I guess it is good for me. So don't look down on community colleges...well, at least not mine.

I cleaned everyone today, including Bubba. I really hate Mondays. By the time I am coming up from work I am like...shit, I did a lot today. Class always stresses me out cause it is a constant reminder of all I have left this month and the next year and half. Taking care of stuff around the house is stressful for various reasons and of course work is work. I can guess tonight I will be on register for a few hours, then I will have to clean 4 rat habitats, count every plant and animal in the store for "Animal Count Mondays", and then close small animals and birds which I know I take a longer time to do than most because, unlike some, I really do believe "Animals always come first" That is one of Petco's slogans. For the most part it is bullshit, especially at a corporate level. But...I don't wanna get into it.

If anyone would like to give me a violent shove into the researching/writing of my big paper I would appreciate it. I have a huge pile of books by my bed that Faye likes to sit on top of. It just seems so overwhelming...

Whatever...I am going to go pack a lunch for tonight.

2 WEEKS WITH NO SMOKING!!!!!!!!!

So, my zucchini/tomato/onion soup is simmering and the corn bread is getting cold..but I can warm that up I suppose. I have a wonderful afternoon/night alone. Alley is at work, I only talked to Tom for a second online, and the 15 books sitting on my kitchen table and room floor keep looking at me. I really wanted tonight to be a note taking night so I can start writing that damn 12-14 page paper. The teach wants a pretty good sized draft on Tuesday for a peer-revision workshop thing but I don't know. I (like my tom) work best under pressure and this thing isn't due for a month...but I guess I dont' wanna keep rechecking out the library books. Tonight, after Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy it shall be done!

I am 95 percent sure I have all A's in my classes right now. And I totally forgot where I was going with this cause my stupid wireless shuts off all the time.

Uh...damn, I was going to include more about other stuff but I forget :( maybe I will remember later. Ok, soup for you.

That makes sense, who is going to be updating when there are others around!? I always want others around but alas I am alone this Wednesday after working on shit pretty much all day. And with much sadness that ANTM was a clip show...grrrrr!!!!

I got my 20 page annotated bibliography done today, I took my bio test and I voted! yay! Marylin Musgrave...burn in hell you bigot republican nasty whore!!!! And because I voted, I can say those things.

Let's see, oh yes, this last weekend. Hayley came up and we sent did some costume shopping and went to saw 3. Let me say, it is the goriest thing I have seen and probably all that I will allow myself to see. I know things like Cannible Halocaust, Ichi the Killer, and the Guinea Pig series are worse (so people say). Next day: The pet costume contest at work was so fun and I got to know Molly better while we studied for 3 hours. Then I got really fucking wasted in Greeley, end of story. No, actually, it was fun, I was confident and comfortable around the peeps of my past.

More fun to happen this weekend but still working on school....Tillamook Cheese!!!!!

I have all the pumpkins lit, scary movies going on AMC, and I am stuffed with halloween candy. I am sure that I have mentioned a million times how much I love this time of year.

I have homework to do and I am all alone in the apartment. Alley went to some concert and Tom decided to stay in and do homework himself...which is fine but I would still choose to be with him other than being alone. I know some people say I am crazy about not liking alone time or whatever.

I had an interesting day today. After Bio, Andrew (this guy from my class that reminds me soooo much of shobe) and I went to Pita Pit for lunch before meeting up with Molly to attend a panel discussion about cross-dressing. At first, I believe someone could have very easily yelled "freak" at the transvestite little person sitting in a rascal. However, it was very informative the crossdressers were wonderful people...even if one of them was a midget.

UH.....talked to megan for a long time tonight. I asked her what her vagina was like as a pregnant lady...no shame here.

Finishing an outline and Gothika now...like, I know right?

So LJ guess what!?

I am officially unofficially in the vet tech program for next semester! I just have to get Cs or better in all of my classes. I know I can do it but I still am nervous. I have a 89, 92, some kind of A, and an unknown in my classes. I think I am most nervous about English (the unknown) just cause I haven't really dug into the 12-14 page paper coming up, ok, it is due in like 7 weeks but still. I just can't believe the semester is more than half over but I have soooo much more work to do! The letter that has my acceptance will keep me going and my parents happy faces come Christmas.

I am starting to smell the homemadish bread I am making. I "borrowed" my mom's bread maker and finally bought a box of premade dough mix. I am sure I will delve into making my own with raisins and everything.

I bought some Halloween candy even though I only have 27 dollars. I seriously was having a craving for chocolate the other night like I was jonesing for a smoke. I get paid on Friday so whatever and I saved enough for gas...I think.

Hayley will be coming up Friday and we shall pry drink at Saheiro's and then shop for costumes. I think I know what I want to be but I don't know if I can make it work...more on that later!

Ok, some homework and quality time with the animals, well Boscoe is curled at my feet now so check off one of 5!

So, Tom and I had a wonderful night last night, I put together a "fall" night. We went to King Soopers and got 2 plump pumpkins, apple cider, and the ingredients for carmel apples. We also rented a scary movie called May. It is an older Lions Gate film that is really messed up... after we carved the pumpkins we roasted the seeds and had our fall feast while we watched May. Tom says that our pumpkins was my vegetarian equivalent to an Indian's buffalo. We used all the parts...that was probably funnier in person.

I just got off work, very slow night, but I got to get to know the new girl better, so I guess that was good. I am waiting on Tom now and I guess we are going to do homework or something.

I need to tend to the animals now.

bi bi

15 minutes before I have to leave for work. I cleaned cages and I can't find Wonka, well, I know she is under my bed and I was counting on Boscoe to herd her out but she has outsmarted him. She better get in her cage before I have to leave or maybe tom will get his guinea pig burger wish after all...

I have to park a few blocks away from my apartment tonight because fort collins picked my street in my apartment complex for all of there construction needs this fall. Since I moved in they have being doing something to the road. I hope I don't get mugged or something. All I will have will be a bag o' crickets.

I stayed up late last night working on a formal lab report that better get a good grade. I am anxiously waiting results from two tests. I feel like I am trying hard but not doing as well as I should. Ugh, as long as I get a least a C.

Tom and I are getting so close. The last few nights we have gotten even closer and something is different...I feel like it has moved from love to being "in love". I don't really know though, I just know I am happy and all of this sounds very very corny but I am not a writer and cannot express myself any better than that.

Does anyone want to send me money for timothy hay and veggies. The pigs won't stop eating, I bet my human children will cost less.

Ok OFF TO FREAKING PETCO!!!;HADSG;HDKG;DG

I did this while I watched, Ugly Betty





( My Interests Collage! )

Tuesdays are the worst. I am in class from 10 to 4 and am reminded every hour how much shit I have to get done. I try to take each day at a time but my mind does not naturally work that way. I stress about the stupidest smallest things when really I need to leave the stress to just homework, if that at all. The house isn't clean, my animals are lonely, Tom didn't answer his phone...does that mean he is mad at me, I wonder if my music is bothering Alley, do I have enough money for next month's utility bill and on and on. Mom says I need to learn to calm down so I don't turn out like her, I just wish I knew how.

I have a bio test tomorrow and was suppose to study with some people from class but they didn't answer their phones when I was at the house they were at, I didn't know for sure if I was the right house, so I went home, they then called me an hour later and said to come over but didn't explain why they didn't answer before. I am sure they didn't hear the phone but it my sensitive mind it is because they really didn't want me to come. I think I studied pretty well on my own and I think I have a good grasp on this unit. Oh selectively permeable cells!

I think tomorrow I will clean the apartment and do homework all day long...can't wait. Acutally, it is way better than Petco.

I miss Tom, ha, it has only been 2 night that we haven't hung out but I really love him being next to me while I fall asleep.
later

I am using LJ to procrastinate once again like in the old days. Although, I am putting off cleaning cages. I really just want to put off work and the mass amount of homework and studying I have to do. I am not behind I just have to keep up. Some guy asked me to study with him and some other people from my bio class and said he would e-mail me his number. I really like them and would love to hang out and I guess the guy likes his weed, so I doubt much studying would go on or it would be high studying which I would suck at but maybe I could go to hang out after I studied on my own.

I think I will be registered to vote in Colorado for the elections. There is an amendment that is very tricky looking and seems like it is good but I investigated more. The television ad says "rights for gay couples, it isn't marriage, it's basic rights." So I thought, yes, that is a step, but their site fairequal.org blatantly states they never want gay marriage. And basically the rights they speak of can be given to the couples by a lawyer and this amendment is for Republicans to look good when really they are just trying to oppress gay couples even more. So I won't be checking that one off but yeah for amendment 44 (legalize pot). I wonder if it will pass...

My cat just got up, looked at me, and rolled his eyes.

Tom and I had a very good anniversary. I guess it can be summed up with fun, laughter, tears, and love. SOOOO sappy!!!

Well, I have to clean cages, eat, and go to work for the rest of the freaking day and night and then come home and write a paper and study!!!!

I have internet again!!!

Sort of. The router that Ben O. gave me needs software or something and my roommates computer should be an exhibit in the Smithsonsian so I am having trouble downloading the stuff it needs. However, thanks to my wonderful dad, I got a compatiable wireless card for my dell and am leeching from my neightbors, thankyou thin crappy walls Collins West. I won't continue leeching forever oh but more wonderful news. My roommate and I told Comcast we only wanted local stations for the low low price of 13 a month compared to basic cable running arond 50 a month but the Comcast instaler guy was really cool and didn't put a filter on so we pay 13 a month for 60 plus channles. I had to write a formal lab report last night but instead turned on the tv and screamed for joy everytime I changed the channel and remembered what I had been missing. Food Network! Adult Swim! The trashiness of E! and VH1. I watched Miami Ink and something about Cats on the Animal Planet, Oprah starts today at 4 baby! wooo. Oh yeah, I have TONS OF HOMEWORK.

I am doing ok in my classes. I say ok because I am expecting more of myself then ever before and I am not getting the A and Bs all the time that I want. But I have not missed a single class this semester and have turned everything in with 100 percent effort behind it...well, except for this formal lab report. I finished this morning a few hours before it is due but TV and internet was too exciting and far better than homework. Oh, and Hayley came to visit me. Also, If I get all C's or better in my classes I will get into the vet tech program this spring! I am stoked.

Tom and I's one year is this weekend. We have spilt up the day. For the first half I am...oh, I can't say cause he might read this but it is going to be fun and it is thoughtful and then the second part of the day he has reservations somewhere but I don't know where. He has become...I realy can't put into words how he treats me. He is so much more thoughtful, caring, and sensitive. I don't know, things like this can be hard to understand at times but we are happy, I am happy.

My animals are all wonderful. Boscoe is still being his catty self and his favorite toys are Bubba's crickets. Bubba is getting huge and now croaks at night and it always freaks me out until I remeber who is doing it. I have a beautiful rare-ish panda goldfish with the other two. I got rid of the tetras cause they just weren't cool enough for the goldfish tank. The pigs now have control of my floor cause I set up more boundaries and they seem happy but bitch at each other more than ever. And last but not least cause they are my favorites, the rats. OOOOOO I love them so much. Eli and Neo will never live together again but they have me I guess. I feel really guilty leaving them like I would if they were dogs, but they are as smart as a dog and as loving so I suppose it is the same..AH SAD.

Petco is still fucking Petco. I say this because work is fucking work and who really wants to do it. I enjoy seeing my friends but it takes soooo much time away from homework and overall chill time that I realy don't have. Alas, I must make money.

Well, I must go wake up Tom and start my day. It is going to be lots of homework. (but time for internet and tv too!)

later all

Hey, I am alive...I don't know why I am even posting condidering zach and joe are the only people on here that update and i suppose i talk to them enough.

I just don't have internet and it blows.

So whatever LJ

...since I updated.

I was actually looking at this guy's myspace from UNC...a guy that i liked, a lot. For some reason I just wanted to remember. I have a lot of good memories from UNC but most of them make me feel icky. I wish I could have done things differently, I wish I could have been a different person growing up in high school and in college, I wish I would have not been a Christian. But, all of this is in the past and there is no point in regret.

I have two finals to write and I will be done with "class". I am actually really excited to start real classroom classes in the fall. I have goals now, I haven't had those for awhile.

I think I don't update cause my life is boring. I hang out with Tom and go to work. No one wants to hear about that and I don't think I have had any life revelations that I need to share.

There are certain boys I can't seem to get out of my head. Should I be alarmed? Should I feel as if I am cheating on Tom?

I am very thrilled that Hayley is living up here this summer and I have many a plan to go get wasted with Brandon on a regular basis in Laramie. OH yes, and a late summer trip to Iowa with Hayley and her truck.

Here's to my first summer in Colorado....

Sooo, I haven't updated in years, so it seems.

I have been changing my habits. I get up usually around 930 in the am, if not earlier, and I am asleep by 1. I think this is making me a more well-rounded person or something.

I am still working at Petco, though, one of my favorite managers in leaving and she asked me to come to the Longmont store. I would if it wasn't 45 mins away...I think I could even be the small animal specialist there. Ugh. I don't like the current management in fort collins... I still have kade, jen, and tori in foco though.

The online classes are not bad nor good, just there. I met with the head of the vet tech program at front range today. They only take 24 a semester, so there is a slim chance I will get in for fall of 06. I have to take a lab this summer and it starts may 30th, so joe, I am coming may2oth, ok, thanks.

In health news, I still smoke, ooo the joys of a cig on the sunny warm mornings in the mountains. Buuuuut, I had a pap smear come back irregular and I had to get a biopsy...it was pretty much the most uncomfortable thing I have ever done and I have to go back and get the cells in my cervix frozen off and out. What fun!!! I wont have the results for another week or so. It could be three things; nothing, hpv, or cancer. Tom is being supportive, but I have a feeling, if it is hpv, I got it from him, but that is ok. His ex cheated on him and was a skanky ho.

My hair is cut short and deeper red and I am in the process of getting the elephant designed up with alan my local tattoo artist.

The pets are great. Alley and I found a 2 bedroom apartment that allows dogs so I will be sporting a new greyhound come august. I decided on the retired greyhound because they are great apartment dogs, very lazy and only need a walk a day.

Twat else???? I think that is all for now.

Oh I saw Guster last weekend, they are amazing

I am sitting in a CSU dorm study room thing. I have ear plugs in and these special headphones that block all whitenoise. It is really weird, I don't think I have ever heard silence like this. Tom uses it all the time for studying cause he needs it deathly silent...actually, I sort of like it. I feel like I could do some kick ass yoga and meditating right now.

Petco apparently made me a full time employee without my consent. I told my scary boss that I could not keep this schedule up with school and such. So hopefully it will change. I am doing so-so with classes. I am devoting Wednesday and Thursday to school because I finally have a day off. I went 7 days in a row for work. The money will be nice. I work Friday and Hayley will be coming over that night to get ready to my other halves. Saturday will be spent cleaning and then...oh god, if everything works out, the loves of my life will be visiting me.

I got a new rat to live with Eli because every rat site and book I read won't stop stressing how important it is to not have a rat alone. I got it from Petco so of course it is sick but I got free meds and he should be getting better and Eli will have to learn to be nice to him.

I don't want to talk anymore on here..